I say I’m less of a creator and more of a survivor.
Everything I’ve truly created from my heart and soul has been out of a natural impulse to save myself. I love Joan Didion’s line in The White Album, “We tell ourselves stories in order to live…we look for the sermon in the suicide.” I repeat this line to myself often, when I need a story in order to live. When the innate joy of being alive feels ungraspable, besides nothing really being the matter.
And I’ve adjusted the line for myself too. We create in order to live. The things we make in order to live. I know I’m not alone in this and it gives me some sense of peace. The story of so many creators of companies, organizations, movements, conferences, etc started these things because they were in a desperate place and it was what they needed for themselves. When we finally give ourselves the healing we need and it turns out everyone else needed it too.
Our impulse to create is our natural impulse to life. It’s why we create babies, too. It’s the deep impulse to survive and keep our lineage alive.
“Sex and art are the same thing” – Picasso
Sex and art are the same thing. It’s that same creative impulse. The same divine connection. I feel this a lot in co-creation. These days I can’t use dating apps at all because I can’t tell if I’ll be into someone based on how they look or what they write about themselves. None of that matters. What matters to me is the energy we have between us. It’s that energy that drives creation. It could be in a sexual sense or sometimes it’s not. I love when I meet someone and I feel this energy with them. It’s a feeling of there’s something for us to do together. It can also be tricky to navigate because not everyone you have energy with is meant to be your romantic partner…I’ve learned that lesson a few times. The hard way.
Maybe it’s because it’s Spring and I’m feeling an impulse to make Life. It doesn’t make sense. I have so much work to do on projects I’ve started and am currently running but I find myself out of energy, exhausted, not able to go on. I need some other healing. I am here to give my medicine and be of service to others but I haven’t been there for myself. My soul is crying out to me — trying to get my attention and I’m just pushing on, trying to keep going. But I’m exhausted. At this moment I need to create something that gives me life and I don’t know what that is. My natural impulse is to write so that’s what I’m doing… I write pages and pages in my journal every day and there still seems like there’s so much junk to clear out before I get to the essence.
I like my creations to be my conversation with the divine, with the flow, with myself. But I also love when I can join forces and create something even more magical than I can do on my own.